Tag: PTSD

The Hour of Resignation


Is not the deep, dark rest a better plea,
When every single waking breath is war?
What am I fighting for, and what’s in store
But the same old tide that washes over me?
I searched the sunrise for a silver coin,
A simple piece of joy I could rejoin,
But found the coffer empty, shut, and cold,
The story of my striving left untold.


They promise gain, a comfort to be won,
If I just keep my shoulder to the stone.
But I have carried burdens all alone
From the first shadow cast beneath the sun.
I’ve seen no profit, felt no easing touch,
Just giving everything and getting much
Less than the peace the simple stones enjoy,
A hollow effort that I can’t employ.


Look on the record, read the final count,
There is no happiness beneath this sky.
The truth is written in the tear-wet eye,
The only offering from a spent account.
Every hard-won moment just a trade
For a new hurt, a deeper struggle made,
The only harvest that my hands can claim
Is the slow, bitter knowledge of the flame.


I tell you plainly, I can take no more.
The line is drawn, the final cord is cut.
My stubborn spirit, now locked in a rut,
Cannot hold past the breaking of the core.
This weight is not a thing you lift and clear,
It is the atmosphere of sorrow here.
The mind gives way, the tired will descends,
And all the forced endurance finally ends.


The anchors slip, the vessel has no guide,
The heart’s great drum beat only low and faint.
I won’t pretend, nor make myself a saint,
I only know I can no longer hide.
I am too fractured to be fixed again,
Too soaked in the relentless, icy rain,
The scaffolding of hope has bowed and split,
And I am done with all the grit and wit.


So let this truth be clear when I am gone,
My failing was not weakness of the soul.
I did not stumble short of any goal,
But fell beneath the weight of every dawn.
It was not sickness, foe, or sudden blast,
Life Itself came for me, and overcame at last.
The battle’s over. Hear the final word,
I lay my weary head down, like a bird.

@@okelododdychitchats

Why Would Another Man Reach for Another Man’s Crotch?

Saturday morning wears a coat of reluctant sun and wind-whipped dust. The cold has teeth. It doesn’t bite; it nibbles slowly, like a rat on wood, until it finds your bones. Dust hangs restless in the air, stirred by invisible hands, rising in small whirlwinds, then falling, settling on windowsills, eyelashes, and forgotten dreams.

My tap is dry. Hopeless Nairobi dry. It yawns and spits a dry cough as if mocking you. There’s a little water left in the blue bucket outside, barely enough for a quick shower. It won’t be the glorious Saturday morning cold shower I like, the one that sends tiny soldiers running on my skin, but water is water. I strip, splash, shiver, and step out.

I have thirty minutes to leave. Thirty minutes to catch up with Pie, Spiky, as I call her. My Pie. We’re catching up after a long time. 3 months, I guess.

I pull on black pants, last season’s Manchester United home jersey, Puma slides, sling my bag, and head to town.

It’s been three months since I walked these streets. Nairobi always changes when you’re gone. Shops sprout, pavements glow with new cabros, and faces you don’t know walk like they own the city. The streets are sardine-packed, humanity rubbing against humanity, yet in all that chaos, the pavements look…beautiful. Like they are trying too hard for a city that never slows down.

Spiky is on the other side of town, at Iconic Plaza, ground floor. She’s picking out perfume. She chooses something that smells like her alone, misty, woody, quiet but unforgettable. I smell it from those tiny folded scent papers, the ones that look like blue litmus strips, and I know this is a good one.

I’m here inquiring about a phone cover, but I can’t get one because my phone isn’t in the Kenyan market. To appreciate the attendant’s effort, Spiky decides to get a screen protector for her phone.

Next stop is EastWest Fashion for a jersey. EastWest is full. Weekend full. Bodies like migrating wildebeest. We do not find the specific jersey we are looking for, so we move on to downtown, Bus Station. We’re waiting for a vendor at Quickmart Mfangano, Spiky found them on TikTok. They sell good pants. She tries on five pairs and looks super good in all of them. I tell her so, because I am a man of honesty and survival instincts.

We then move to RNG Plaza for phone accessories. RNG is chaos. Shops full of indifferent attendants scrolling on their phones like they’re paid to ignore customers. We move from one shop to another, frustration swelling like a balloon. Just as we’re about to leave, we find one shop, a small, humble spot, where the attendant smiles like they’ve been waiting for us all their life. They listen, understand, do not rush. There is a patience to them, like still water under a hot sun. We get everything we need. We leave lighter, happier.

By now, it’s almost five. We’re hungry, and there is no time to sit and eat. Hotdogs and sodas from Naivas will do. And that’s when the world shifts.

We’re crossing the road when I feel it, a hand. Moving towards my thigh, no, my… flight deck. For a second, my brain refuses to register. Then it does. A touch. A graze. A violation. I turn sharply. An old man wearing a red beanie, black jacket, and ugly khaki pants that hang on him like shame.

My first instinct is to slap him. Call the mob. Let Nairobi justice, swift and merciless, have him. But I freeze. My feet are rooted, and my heart is pounding. He walks past, unbothered, as if reaching for another man’s crotch is a daily errand.

Spiky saves me. She grips my hand, pulls me forward. “Leave it,” she says. Her voice is firm, like a rope pulling me out of quicksand. Thank you, Jaber.

Inside, I’m binding everything by the blood of Jesus. Out loud too. Because, honestly, what else do you do when a strange man molests you on Ronald Ngala Street at 4:57 PM? I bind demons. I bind principalities. I bind ancestral spirits of confusion. Why? Because why would a man reach for another man’s crotch?

As we walk away, my mind churns. Was he trying to pickpocket me? Was he… that way inclined? Or was this some evil spirit manifestation? I’m angry, humiliated, confused. More than eighteen hours later, I’m still here, writing this, still asking the same question:

Why?


Why would another man reach for another man’s crotch?

@okelododdychitchats