If I Fail to Wake Up Tomorrow

If I fail to wake up tomorrow,
Know that I fought with all my might
Against the demons that plagued my mind
I battled through the darkness
But in the end, I couldn’t find the light
My soul was weary, my heart was tired
And I found solace in stepping into eternity,

If I don’t wake up tomorrow,
Tell my friends I’ll miss them dearly
The laughter, the memories, the tears we shared
Will forever be carved in my silent whispers lost in time
I hope they find peace in knowing
That I am finally free from the pain
That haunted me every waking moment
I’ll be watching over them from above

If I fail to wake up tomorrow,
Promise me you’ll take care of yourself
Don’t dwell on what could have been
Live your life to the fullest, cling to the warmth of joy
That I could never fully appreciate
Treasure like gold every sunrise, every sunset
And know that I am always with you
In spirit, in memory, in love

If I don’t wake up tomorrow,
Tell the world my story
Let my struggles be a lesson
That mental health is not a joke
That a smile can hide a world of hurt
And that reaching out for help
Is not a sign of weakness, but of strength
Break the stigma, break the silence

If I fail to wake up tomorrow,
Know that I am at peace
No longer shackled by my fears
No longer drowning in my tears
I am free to soar amongst the stars
To dance in the moonlight, to bask in the sun
I am finally whole, finally content
In the arms of endless rest.

Let my legacy be one of love
Of kindness, of compassion
And may my journey to the beyond bring awareness
To the struggles we all face
So if I fail to wake up tomorrow
Know that I am at peace
And that I will always be watching over you
From the heavens above.

@okelododdychitchats

Niskize

You don’t know the battles I’ve fought
The struggles I’ve faced !
You don’t realize the depth of my sorrow
So before you judge, just wait, niskize !

Don’t mock me with your words of scorn
Don’t criticize me from dusk till morn
Your harsh remarks don’t offer insight
They only push me further from the light

My pain runs deep, it’s a part of me
It’s only I who truly see
The struggles I endure day by day
So take a moment, niskize !

I may seem weak when tears fall down
But crying is my way, my sound
Of releasing the pain that weighs me down
Of letting go of the burdens I’ve found

Don’t label me as frail or meek
Just listen to the words I speak
I have a story that needs to be told
A tale of pain and courage bold

So before you pass judgment on me
Take a moment, niskize !
The strength it takes to face each day
To keep going despite the wear out

I am not defined by my tears
But by the battles fought through the years
So next time you see me cry
Remember, it’s not a sign of weakness, but of strength inside

Don’t underestimate the power of a tear
The release it brings, the healing near
So before you speak, just listen first
To the story of pain and hurt

I may not be what you expect
But my strength lies in the tears unchecked
So listen to my words, my plea
And see the true strength in me.

@okelododdychitchats

Still, I am

I didn’t get the privilege of being born in a hospital. My mother labored in my grandmother’s smoky kitchen. They were with my late father, who tried rushing her to Lwak hospital, but I grew weary of the womb’s care for, I was eager to taste the world’s sweetness and bitterness alike, I had to step into the light and meet it head-on. I came out right outside the fence, and my grandmother, Stella or if you like Min Ombewa, delivered me.

I was born in Asembo, my paternal home. A place I hardly know, a place I hardly visit, but a place I recognize much with. That’s why I call myself Jakolal, because Kolal is my village,Kolal is in Asembo.

When I was four, wait, I didn’t get the chance to be light-skinned when I was born. Kids are often light when birthed, but the colors of their skin often change after tasting the different rays of the sun. Their skin changes, picking the shades of their parents’ skin. Biology calls it genetics. The point is, the skin changes and sometimes becomes hard with pimples on the face and sometimes with a lot of hair standing straight on the surface. They change! I was dark at birth, and still, I am. My father, Isaiah Oguta Ngesa Nyakwar Okelo found a way of making me comfortable wearing the dark skin. He called me Rateng‘. Rateng’ means black. He narrated to me during free time how well black is priceless as the first breath of dawn after a long night. I love black ! Black is beautiful. I love my skin. I owe it to my dad.

One night after his karate sessions, he complained of pains. My mother says it was sharp pains that gripped his chest, something like asthma, yet they called it typhoid. I still wonder how chest pains and typhoid dance together in the same space. He was rushed to Aga Khan Hospital Kisumu, and on February 14, 2002, he slept, closed his eyes eternally. His brain stopped functioning. Everything in his world stopped. He rested. Mama was only 26. I am told she was only earning Ksh. 1000 as a Board of Manager teacher. She had kids and a family to take care of. She remained strong, productive and everything positive. We never lacked. We never knew poverty. We saw all good and got at least everything we wanted. I just didn’t get to practice karate anymore because my company was gone! After he was gone, he took the name Rateng‘ with him. Nobody else knew me as that. Nobody called me that except my uncle, Dr. Odongo. But with that alone, I knew how priceless my skin color was. I wore it with courage growing up. I miss the one who made me comfortable in it, but fate had just brought it that way. Sad!

Forget that though. My mother left footprints of success in the sands of time. She did all a mother could and more, and that’s why I hold her dear. That’s why my best sentence begins with the word “Mum.” My definition of love begins with the word “Mum.” My definition of beauty begins with the word “Mum.” My definition of strong begins with the word “Mum.” Her display of substance and appearance makes her just the best. She is the best!

This doesn’t concern you, but I am still dark. My mum is dark too. We wear this fine melanin, black chocolata skin with beauty and pride.

@okelododdychitchats

Speak It Out

I asked how he’s doing,
He told me he was doing just fine
I didn’t believe him
Because I know the society demands strong from a man
And when he shares what he’s going through, he’ll be labeled weak
So he told me, “I am doing just fine”

I could hear the pain in his voice
The cracks beneath the surface
His words a mask for the turmoil within
He was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders
But society told him to keep it all in
To put on a brave face and soldier on
So he smiled and said, “I’m fine”

But I knew the truth
I could see it in his eyes
The way they searched mine for understanding
The way his hands trembled as he spoke
He was drowning in his own silent suffering
Too afraid to let anyone in
Too ashamed to admit he needed help

I wish he knew that it’s okay to not be okay
That strength isn’t measured by how much you can endure alone
That vulnerability is not weakness, but courage
I wish he knew that his pain mattered
That his struggles were valid
That he didn’t have to carry them all on his own

I wish he knew that he didn’t have to end it all
That there were people who cared
Who would listen without judgment
Who would hold him close and help him find his way back to the light
I wish he knew that there is always hope
Even in the darkest of nights
Even when all seems lost

So I told him, “It’s okay to not be fine”
It’s okay to break down and let it all out
To cry until there are no more tears left to shed
To scream until your voice is hoarse
To reach out and ask for help
To let others in and share your burden

Because you are not alone
You are loved, you are worthy
And your pain is not a sign of weakness
But a story to your humanity
So take my hand and let me walk beside you
Let me help you shoulder the weight
Let me be your light in the darkness

You are not alone, my friend
You are never alone
And together, we will find our way back to the sunlit meadows
Where the flowers bloom and the birds sing
Where hope springs eternal and love knows no bounds
So take my hand and let us journey together
For in our togetherness, we find strength
And in our vulnerability, we find courage

So speak it out
Don’t care what the society will think of you
Don’t be ashamed
Scream if you feel it’s best
Speak when you are at the lowest
Cry when you feel that pain
It’s worth it.

Let’s break the silence
Let’s shatter the stigma
Let’s create a world where it’s okay to not be okay
Where vulnerability is embraced
And compassion reigns supreme
Let’s build a community of love and understanding
Where everyone feels safe to share their truth
And no one ever has to suffer in silence again.

Together, we can make a difference
Together, we can change the world
Starting with one voice, one heart, one soul
Reaching out in love and empathy
To lift each other up and stand together in our brokenness
For in our brokenness, we find strength
And in our unity, we find healing

So let us be the change we wish to see
Let us be the light in the darkness
Let us be the hope in the despair
For together, we are stronger
Together, we are invincible
Together, we are love personified

And in that love, we find our salvation
In that love, we find our redemption
In that love, we find our peace
So let us choose love
Let us choose compassion
Let us choose to be there for one another
No matter what

For in the end, love is all that really matters
Love is the answer to all our questions
Love is the key to our salvation
So let us love each other
Let us be there for each other
Let us hold each other close
And never let go

For love is the greatest gift we can give
To ourselves and to each other
So let’s spread love like wildfire
And watch as it burns away the darkness
And lights up the world with its brilliance
For love conquers all
And in love, we shall find our peace.

@okelododdychitchats

When I Die

When I die, my body will lie still,
No longer will it feel the thrill
Of life’s wild ride, of joy and pain,
No longer will it dance in the rain.

The beating of my heart will cease,
No longer will it bring me peace
In moments of excitement and fear,
No longer will it whisper in my ear.

My eyes will close, no longer to see
The wonders of the world around me,
The colors, the beauty, the light,
Gone forever into the night.

My ears will hear no more sweet sound,
No laughter, no music will be found
To soothe my soul, to lift me high,
To make me smile, to make me cry.

My hands will lay at my side,
No longer will they be my guide
In reaching out to touch, to feel,
To hold onto what is real.

My legs will no longer walk,
No longer will they run or talk
In the language of movement, of grace,
No longer will they set the pace.

But when I die, I will not mourn,
For I will be reborn
Into the arms of eternity,
Into the embrace of infinity.

I will become one with the earth,
A part of the never-ending birth
Of life and death, of love and pain,
Of sunshine and of rain.

I will become a memory,
A whisper in the wind that is free
To dance and sing and fly,
To soar into the endless sky.

When I die, do not weep for me,
For I will be forever free
From the chains of mortal life,
From the struggles and the strife.

I will be a spirit pure and bright,
A star shining in the night,
A beacon of hope, a ray of light,
Guiding you through the darkest night.

So when I die, remember me,
Not as I was, but as I will be
In the realms of the unknown,
In the mysteries yet to be shown.

For death is not an end, but a beginning,
A new chapter in the story still spinning
Of life and love and dreams,
Of what is not as it seems.

@okelododdychitchats

A letter to Daddy

Dear Dad,

I hope we could meet somewhere around Nyamasaria,

I long for you to breathe again, even if it’s just one more breath,

I want to hear your voice one last time, to have it echo in my mind like a cherished songbird,

I want to see your beards, perhaps fuller than mine that stubbornly refuse to grow,

I want to touch your hands and feel their warmth,

I want to look at your face and find the resemblances between us,

I’ll ask you what you love, and what you’re afraid of losing,

I want to see your sense of style,

I want to scrutinize your smile and understand how Mum fell for you so easily,

I want to check if Stella’s shortness comes from you,

I want to study the pigment of your skin to see if my own might inherit its flawlessness,

I’ll speak to you as a man, the kind of deep, honest conversations a father and son should have,

I’ll ask you what values I should hold dear,

I’ll ask your views on polygamy,

I’ll seek your wisdom on taking care of a woman,

I want to show you my girlfriend and hear you rate her on a scale of one to ten,

With this brief moment, Dad, I’ll strive to know you better,

Please, just breathe once more, Papa.

With all my love,
Rateng’

@okelododdychitchats

Rain, Go Away !

Rain, rain,
it’s not mother’s washing day,
But,
please hold off for now.

Maybe return another day,
but when you do,
come gently.

We need your nourishing touch
to keep our crops healthy
and our roads clear.

But please, be gentle,
don’t flood our homes
or harm our families.

Let us go about our business in peace,
let your presence be a blessing, not a curse.

For now,
it’s best you go away
and give the soil a chance to breathe.

Our feet need relief from the mud,
our floors from the stagnant water,
and our roofs from the constant drumming of your drops.

Let us take a moment
to recover from the losses we’ve already endured as a country.
Just Go away for now !

@okelododdychitchats

Why Valentines ?

Today, it’s been 22 years since he departed,
But God, weren’t you her confidant, her friend?
Why pluck her beloved on Valentine’s Day,
When you had countless other days to choose from?
Could you not have spared her this heartache,
Just for one more day, one day to hold dear?

We’ve been taught not to question your ways,
To accept your will as the ultimate decree.
But forgive me for feeling this is unjust,
Is this why your friendships are so few?

My anger rises, for she was still so young,
Just embarking on life’s journey with her family.
With young children, the eldest barely five,
She hadn’t yet found her footing, her stride.

Then, like a sudden storm, death swept in,
And snatched away her partner, her soulmate.
How can this be fair, to leave her
With shadows on a day meant for love’s celebration?

As others stroll hand in hand,
Amidst fragrant blooms and tender caresses,
She cloaks herself in sorrow’s shroud,
Haunted by the ghost of that day.

Even after 22 years, the pain remains fresh,
As if it happened just a breath ago.
She clings to his last words, his final touch,
His essence lingering like a bittersweet melody.

She recalls how his eyelids closed,
Never to flutter open again,
And how he lay, his head gently tilted,
Upon the Agha Khan, Kisumu bed,
As he breathed his final breath.

Death, they say, is a passage we all must tread,
But why, oh why, choose Valentine’s Day?

@okelododdychitchats